How to eat at a buffet

No one eats at a buffet just to hang out or to visit the aquarium fish. Buffet customers come to commit the sin of gluttony. Anytime you break any one of the following rules of buffet-eating an angel doesn’t get his wings and a kitten dies.

1. Preparation.
   Be sure your last meal was small and about 3 hours ago. Eating nothing just decreases the size of your stomach and eating before a buffet is financial suicide. Also do not order soda, just stick to water. You already paid $8-$10, why spend more money on something that takes up unnecessary space in your stomach and makes you fart?
2. The “tester plate” (see above photo).
   Your first plate is the “tester plate”. This plate determines what your second plate will contain. This plate must be packed with as many different items as it can hold that you may find to your liking. Stay away from potatoes, breads, and frog legs. No buffet has good frog legs.
3. The “plate of success.”
   Your second plate is the “plate of success.” This plate is why you came to this damn buffet in the first place. You are now consuming the specific items that made you say “holy crap this is damn good” from your “tester plate.”
4. Rest.
   Let your stomach digest a bit. When food starts going down your large intestine more room will be available in your stomach for your 3rd, and possibly final plate. Talk to your friends, look around at the families eating around you. Mock them for not knowing the true “way of the buffet.”
5. The “plate of hope.”
   As in, “I hope I can eat another plate because I paid $10 bucks and I need my money’s worth.” This plate should only consist of the best items you had on your previous plates OR any item in the buffet that would’ve cost you $10 bucks outside the buffet, like King Crab legs or sashimi (sushi).
6. The “I dare you plate.”
   This plate has killed many people. Please, don’t take a 4th plate unless you’re fat or getting paid to do it.
7. Dessert.
   Don’t eat dessert. Maybe have a slice of orange or a bowl of that really cold, watery ice cream buffet’s usually have. Other than that don’t push it.

*Filipeanut is not responsible for you choking or having stomach pain. By following these steps you agree to release me from any liability arising from following these steps.