You can eat Filipino food and still lose weight!

But you’re still gonna die early. The Filipino diet is the kryptonite of a dieting Filipino. Especially if you live at home with two kitchens and have stoves whose burners you’ve never seen before; blocked by pots full of beep stek. It also doesn’t help to have a fridge full of leftovers and future dishes in their defrosting stages.

Despite this I lost 40 lbs in four months in 2001. And I still enjoy my high-blood-inducing diabetic diet. From which I gained back 20 lbs to this day.

In a situation like this there are only 6 things you have to do to lose weight:

1. Move out of your mom’s house.
2. If you can’t move out, find a reason to stay out of the house to get away from your uncle’s adobong fill-in-the-blank. Get a library card or join a club (Costco memberships and club sandwiches don’t count).
3. Drink a lot of water. Either tug along a gallon of water, stay close to the water cooler, or drown in a pool.
4. Diet on the weekdays not weekends. On the weekend go ahead and hang out, eat, and drink whatever you want. But come Monday it’s back to work. If its a weekday and there happens to be a birthday or free samples of Krispy Kreme, go ahead and give in. If there’s a birthday everyday of the week, stop climbing the social ladder: you’re too fat.
5. Stretch in the mornings, park your car further away, and sleep earlier. Over time, you’ll feel more energy and you’ll want to start doing a few squats and sit ups. Next thing you know you’ll be skinny and telling your family members how you lost weight, making them feel fat and depressed.
6. Call Weight Watchers and tell ’em to suck it.

*Results may vary. Please consult your quack doctor if this regimen is right for you. By following these steps you agree to release me from any liability arising from drowning, telling people to ‘suck it,’ and/or hurting your relative’s feelings.